Holiday gifts for public school science teachers

Body armor. Great for making presentations to backwards school boards, but light enough for daily use in the classroom. Rated for small arms, crossbow, and stones weighing up to 14 pounds. Jonathan Weiner's The Beak of the Finch. A great read, even if you think science is just for geeks. Buy a copy for yourself while you're at it, and talk about it loudly at cocktail parties. Membership to the National Center for Science Education. Its Reports of the NCSE has teaching tips, book reviews, news, and much more. If your kid's teacher covers evolution, this is a must have. Cell phone stun gun. Uppity students will be 23% less creationy if they know there are consequences for spreading ignorance. "Hey, Jimmy, the Intelligent Designer wants to talk to you!" A Darwin poster. If your teacher is happily married to the school superintendent, he or she can safely display this on the classroom door. Also serves as vivid reminder of the benefits of shaving daily. A book by Darwin. Perhaps On the Origin of Species, The Descent of Man, or, everyone's controversial favorite, The Formation of Vegetable Moulds through the Action of Worms with Observations of Their Habits. Freshly baked cookies. Positive feedback doesn't get any more positive than a big plate of cookies from an appreciative parent. Yeah, that's right--they don't want any more apples. Neanderthal skull replica. Biology teachers love having dead things on their desks, and this heirloom-quality gift is long dead, and sturdy enough to use as a hallway pass. "Chameleon" coffee mug. Upload an image (e.g., Darwin) and they will make the cup. Image is invisible when contents are cold, so it can be safely used for soda during school board meetings. Because good public school science teachers tend to spend a lot of their own money on supplies. Noah's Ark play set. Add a bucket of large plastic dinosaurs and it's the perfect gift for the science-inclined kindergarten teacher.

The 7-part video production, Evolution. Your kid's college education may cost you over $200K, so why not invest a measly $99 now? A letter to the principal on nice stationery. Detail what your kid's teacher does, why it makes you proud to live in the district, and why the teacher deserves a raise and a smiley face on his or her personnel file. Darwin's favorite plant: Dionaea muscipula. You can buy these little beasties, native to N. and S. Carolina, at Home Depots nationwide. Big specimens will even eat small frogs. An e-card. If your teacher is doing a good job with evolution instruction, tell him or her you care. It's free! Find his or her email address on the school's web site. Defending Evolution. Tips on teaching evolution, dealing with wacko parents, and more. This book is endorsed by plenty of people who believe in God, and by God. Unprotected sex. If your kid's teacher is single, set him or her up with a VMAT2 wild type and tell them to have lots of kids, and to hurry. Subscription to Natural History, which is read by people "likely to influence the opinions of their friends and colleagues." Once the home of the late Stephen J. Gould's column on sports metaphors in biology. Copy of The Sandwalk Adventures. Jay Hosler, cartoonist-biologist-daddy, weaves natural selection (and more) into entertaining story featuring a cute follicle mite. Adventure vacation to a Creationist town. Travel to Dover, Cobb County, or Grantsburg. Bring kids, courtesy of the Federal "No Child Left Behind" travel fund. Galapagos turtles [sic]. Sure, any form of chocolate will be appreciated, but make an extra impression with these Darwin-related calorie bombs. Three Amigos. Creationism is the El Guapo of science education. Viewing this film will give teachers the strength to stand up to the infamous forces of ignorance in their communities.

 Questions, comments, and thinly-veiled threats can be sent to: